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from She-Ra

Hordak has to be one of my fave villains. Whilst not in charge of the entire Horde despite the obviously suited name for the job it was only because the head honcho had an even more suitable moniker - Horde Prime. Hordak was in charge of 'The Evil Horde' (they weren't big on subtlety) on Etheria. Whilst already having failed to crack Eternia he had made its sister planet his. But the only reason Hordak wanted power wasn't just to be evil. No - Hordak was all about the women!.
I mean think about it. Look at him. He's got a big metal pig skull for a face, some evil looking red eyes (with no pupils) and teeth to match. Also those big ears and just what is that blue bit anyway? A mohawk or part of his face? Add this to the fact he snorts (like a pig) when he's pleased and you know he ain't gonna be big with the ladies down the local Etherian clubs. So what does a young Hordak do? He comes up with a plan so masterfully evil and brilliant he is an honour to the brotherhood of Cartoon villains.
Firstly he joins the Horde, because of his name he gets promoted regularly, until he gets in charge of a division that takes a planet over. He knows women dig guys with power! Then he surrounds himself with not just henchmen like most cartoon evildoers, but babe henchmen or henchwomen...whatever.

Check 'em out:


Shadow Weaver

Scorpion Lady

Okay so Scorpia has a slighlty masculine jaw line, serious make-up issues and is a bit of a freak but Hordak can't afford to be picky. Before the whole He-Man debacle he had Force Captain Adora (She-Ra's real self) hanging with him too. Now his plan isn't finished there. To ensure that the ladies aren't all work, work, work he occaisonally employs Horde Troopers to wander around nearby carrying phallic objects, whilst he tries to impress them by turning into a large phallic rocket.

But he isn't done there, in more light hearted moments to show he isn't a complete egotistical, Meglomaniacal tyrant (women aren't interested in them as much I've found from my own experience, I mean rumour, RUMOUR! has it) he sometimes turns his arm into a large cannon so he can impress them with his firepower and also do Megatron impressions.
Evil ladies love their firepower and Megatron.

Now Hordak's plan has been good so far, but he still isn't finished. Sure he's got the power, the women around him thinking about how 'lonely' they are due to his imagery carefully strewn around the Horde base but he still looks like some kind of loon. What he needs to do is make sure he is the most attractive and elligable guy there. How does he do this? He makes sure all his other henchmen are even more of a hideous, insane freak than he is who no female super villain would date even if they said they could get them the secrets of Castle Greyskull.

Katra on tonight's Blind Date you have the choice of contestants 1, 2 & 3:




Mantenna always gives the impression of trying his hardest to get together with the ladies but always comes across as a bug eyed nerd, which is quite apt. Grizzlor is a big strong, dumb brute. Women today respect intelligence (I hope a knowledge of HTML counts...shit, I'm Mantenna aren't I). Also the fact if he ever shaved that it would probably just be Beastman under there doesn't do much to induce him to them. Then there is Leech... Do I even need to write anything here? Imagine that you are a girl (if you aren't already) and the guy walks up to you in a disco. Just to complete the mental picture of Leech on the pull, if you've never heard him speak, imagine what it sounds like when someone slurps soup. Now imagine that noise whilst they are speaking. Not quite the Fonz is he?

Speaking of the Fonz, what is Fonzy? Fonzy's cool right!? Well To complete the picture Hordak realises he needs to be seen as cool as well. What is the quickest and easiest way to do this? Coolness by association. If those other cool super villains hang out with you, then you've got to be pretty bad-ass in your own right! or the thinking goes something like that anyway. So Hordak makes sure he's seen at all the right parties and with all the right villains.

So now Hordak has the power, the women around him all the time, the randy imagery, only cretins and ugly people of his gender on staff and is seen with cool people a lot, oh and can do an impression of Megatron. The only thorn in his side is the constant interference of She-Ra and her do-gooder friends trying to get their wretched planet back. All in all his evil scheme seems to have gone quite well, the ladies seem impressed.

So Hordak we salute you - You became a cartoon villain for the women and deep down that's the only reason us guys ever do anything.

You sir are an inspiration. Now if I can just hire Leech for my next party...