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The Great Coffee Conspiracy Theory

Hello all and welcome to the Mix N Mojo coffee page. This page is dedicated to that dark lord of drinks. He will reward you with extra hours of awake-time, but will also be making you his unwitting and almost unknowing slave to his bitter will... On this part of the site you can find how coffee has gone from being merely a poor alternative to tea to being used in comedy and other such entertaining mediums, in a bid to pervade the collective sub-conscious and slowly rise up to its full megalomaniac ambitions. That's right no longer will Coffee (or caw-fee as our US cousins say) stay in the perculator. It is rising up and stretching out its clouded shadow to encapsulate THE WORLD! Even as you read this there are large groups of caffeine crazed people, working jittery and fearful with bloodshot eyes into the night, not having slept for days only longing for their next cup of the dark elixir. (You may know them as computer programmers).

So here is our tribute to a newly discovered fear - Coffee Paranoia
Or rather our proof that this isn't a half-baked theory thought up in the throws of boredom but a very real, very scary alternative reality that could happen...and soon!

The Theory

Coffee is not just some other drink like tea or lemonade that is made by a variety of companies all just trying to make a buck. In reality there is an evil immortal being behind coffee, henceforth known as the Java God, or the Dark Lord. Whose plan it is to seduce the population of the World into drinking coffee and from there unknowingly bind them to his will. It is he who first convinced man to grind the beans and pour boiling water on them. And from there experiment further to make hundreds of variations in a bid to satisfy anyone's particular taste. Why else would man have first done this without instruction? It sounds like a crazy plan without knowing the end result - the evil, addictive elixir known by many names, but all that boil down to one - coffee.

But how is the Dark Lord of the bean, going about his dastardly plan? It is a multi-pronged attack. He invades all mediums and affects all groups of people. Listed below are the main strategies of his plan as far as we have been able to surmise so far.


First off the Java God is smart. Also he can wait, for he has time on his side. Slowly he has overseen the popularity of his drink grow and spread across the world. It is through this unearthly patience and planning that he will eventually be victorious. He constantly looks to the future. He knows If you control the children, you own the future. So he has had his drink infiltrate children's cartoons, such as the Earthworm Jim episode "Hyper Psy-Crow", and also in some countries it has been made to seem another out of reach item of desire for slightly older children, like alcohol.

Conquering cartoons then put the idea of media into the Java God's head. Now there are many, many web pages and news groups devoted to coffee. This ties in with his approach for the future. Who are most likely to get jobs of power and importance in the future? Students. The association between students and coffee has been long known. They have been drinking it to either gain it's dark power of conquering sleep in order to study more, or they have been drinking it just to appear cool. Now though the Dark Lord's power has seeped over into the faculty. Cambridge University itself has a contantly updated webcam centered on their own coffee machine so anyone who needs to can keep a check on their coffee levels! The Java God's presence on the internet is almost complete!

Going back to the point about looking cool leads onto the Java God's main area of attack. In a bid to subtley take over the Dark Lord decided to try and entice people to his will willingly and then bind them unknowingly. He is achieving this aim by making coffee seem cool and hip. If you're not down with the kids, you're washed up. There's no way a square drink like hot chocolate is going to have any props thrown its way. So how has he made coffee seem cool? Two ways. The first is to go with the alternative crowd. He has brainwashed an artist into making a cool cartoon strip, full of post-modern ironies on relationships and life. It's success, guarenteed! Graphic novels are all the rage and now he has infiltrated here as well.
The other way he has made coffee seem cool is with vice! By promoting coffee as an aphrodisiac and a euphemism for sex he has managed to pull in all the normal young people as well. At the same time by promoting permiscuity he hopes the birth rate will rise and he will have future legions of followers to convert to his will. And he will convert them with... cartoons. Yes, it is all a vicious circle of a plan. He will take the young and then in time take their young for his own.
There may be time to stop his growth. We just need to act swiftly and to discover more of his plans to act on. If you uncover anymore of the Java God's plots let us know! Send word.

Coffee Flavoured Links:

Just as The Fictional Dark Lord Sauron from Tolkien's LOTR had his trusted commanders -the Nazgul or Ringwraith's - perpetrating his evil so does the Java God. Also just as Saruman managed to be corrupted by Sauron so others have been corrupted by the evil dark brew without their realising it. This then is a collection of links to their pages so you may see what the damned and the doomed look like. But fear not for as the truth of this conspiracy travels, more good souls help in the fight to let the world know of the evil of coffee. Their links are here also.

The Dark Lord's
Willing Servants

The Corrupted and Fallen

Those Fighting The Good Fight

Too Much Coffee Man
A cool, funny modern comic to entice the hipsters of the day to the DarkLord's side!

Trojan Room Coffee Machine
Cambridge University's Dark Shrine to the evil of Coffee.

Coffee FAQ
Know your enemy! If we wish to beat coffee we must first understand it. Go here for Frequently Asked Questions About Coffee.

Java Link: Ye Olde Coffee Shop
A site run by alleged coffee enthusiasts but really the supreme henchmen of the Java God's army.
They provide lists of "CyberCafes, personal home pages and other places on the Web dedicated to serving up information on that greatest of beverages... COFFEE"

Now you know the truth. Now you know the danger. Be ever vigilant, switch to tea and help keep us informed of any other evil acts done in the Dark Brew's name! Feel free to email us with any comments, suggestions or abuse (goddamn rude coffee lovers!).